Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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