How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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