so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
