My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
