update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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