Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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