i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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