I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
