please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The uberlube is also flammable
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
