I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
