Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
