Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
