You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
