Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Text me some of your sweat
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
