Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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