Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
