I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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