My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
