you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
