Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
