I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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