my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
