I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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