I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
