fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
