Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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