Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
