Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize