My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
