it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
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I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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