We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
