she was so not down for the gang bang
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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