Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
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Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
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I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.