Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.