Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.