The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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