My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
