I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
