is your mom at the bar?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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