so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
