if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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