I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize