what day is it and did you see me today?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
