New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
