Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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