Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
