I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
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i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
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Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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