i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
