GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
