The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
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Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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