I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
this hospital has no fireball
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
