3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
