I cockslap morals
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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