hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you didnt know i had herpes?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
did i just pee glitter
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
