never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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