I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
