It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's never too late to be topless.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
