Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
